To Becca with love

Dear Becca,

"But what happens when our parents keep wanting us to do well? Is love also about being satisfied?"

You ask a very good question. I can understand where you are coming from. Let me try to explain myself by painting 3 scenarios:

A father who is a successful businessman but who nurtured an ambition to become a doctor alienates his own children because his expectations were too high. As his children grew up, he tells me that none has made him happy. All disappointed him. His eldest he disowned because he married an Australian girl, his eldest daughter married a Chinese man but revealed each stage of her relationship only after it had happened, one of his sons failed all his exams and tried to commit suicide.

Another father is currently facing bankruptcy. Because of his difficulties, he nags his children. When his daughter failed her exam, he nagged her for a whole day. And then went to her school and confronted her teacher to try to do something about it.

A mother spends her life shuttling her only daughter everywhere - to school, to ballet, and so on. She compares her daughter with other children and tells her that she is sacrificing her life for her.

These stories are not uncommon and I am sure there are many more out there. You see, the tragedy is that while we do love one another, we don't know how to show this love. Believe me, should anything happen to any of these children, their parents will move heaven and earth to make it right again. Understand always, that the pressure you are going through comes from the love your parents feel for you. It also comes from one other simple fact: we parents cannot give you what we think you deserve, and we are scared as hell that you will not achieve what we think you should. We want a lot because we love you. And we pressure you because we are human, and are afraid for you.

The answer, dear Becca, is for you to be strong. Tell your parents that you are doing the best you can. Tell them you share their worries and understand where they are coming from. Thank them for worrying about you and tell them you love them. Reassure them just as they have reassured you when you were hurt or in pain. Trust me, they love you more than you will ever know. And you don't have to do anything to earn this love.

Yes, parents over-react. The only difference for me is that I tell my daughter to expect it. That it is not her that is to blame but me. But my unreasonableness is because my love for her is unreasonable. I do not believe I should restrain my love for her. But I do understand that it can be overwhelming. I try to help her handle that by explaining why it is so.

Sadly, not many parents understand this. Rather, they mistake your anguish for disobedience. Your need for space for lack of interest in your studies. Your unhappiness for a lack of concern for your own future.

It is rare that parents don't love their children wholeheartedly. It is rare that children don't try their best to please their parents. If only we understand this and accept our human unability to express our love well. I met a sales lady who took her children to see a psychologist because she felt her children were too happy about their bad grades. I told her if her children are unhappy, she better worry because they probably need psychiatric help. Children are by nature happy, and will avoid doing things that make them unhappy. That's why they don't want to study. They don't want to study not because they don't care but because they do care. They care about their parents opinion but they feel that they cannot satisfy the parents, and so they don't try. They think they are failures because their parents think they are failures. So, they naturally look for other things they can do well and they find happiness there. Help them. When they do well, they will like their studies more and will work harder. There was nothing wrong with her children. What was wrong was that the children did not find schoolwork enjoyable. And if they were doing badly, scolding them will make them like schoolwork less. Whenever Xin finds her schoolwork difficult, I will tell her to try studying another way - borrow a book from the library, or search out the internet. There are many many books out there that teaches any subject in an interesting way and makes it easy to understand and enjoy. Enjoy it and you will do well. (As an aside, whenever Xin does not do well, she diverts my nagging by saying that she feels worse than I do and my nagging will not help.)

Hang in there, Becca. We are here for you. You can be strong. Understand that your parents need you to be strong. Show them, tell them. I assure you that you are good enough and they do not expect more from you than what you want for yourself. Probably less, actually. Most people I know have high ambitions. If only their parents know this.

Love, brownpanda.
PS: What has "Till we have faces" to do with rationalizing God? I haven't read the book but from the reviews, I think it is probably too chim for me.
PPS: I'm not a big fan of Narnia. Only his explanations on Christianity, esp. Mere Christianity.